Girdles Are Not Hot

Blogging is especially awesome when you have a great story to tell.  Usually, my stories somehow involve my personal moments of humiliation.  But, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

I lost several pounds, like 50, right before I got pregnant.  I looked great.  I worked out 2 hours a day and was toning up quite nicely.  Then, I got pregnant.  No one tells a first time expectant mother that pregnancy will take the skin from your back and put it on your belly and sides.  They don't tell you that those cool, snug fitting screen tees will no longer look right on you because of the loose skin pregnancy give you.  I was so proud of myself for losing most of the baby weight that I decided that I would invest in a waist cinching, back fat smoothing girdle.

I was going to look HOT! A shopping trip was definitely in order.  So, I gathered up my nursing baby and  left my older children with my husband and went to Kohls.

Baby and I arrived at Kohls without any incident.  We strolled on over to the ladies department and continued until we had reached the foundation garments.  I looked through my options.  I needed something I could wear while nursing, so the one piece things with straps were out of the questions.  I almost gave up home when I spotted it:

A waist cinching, back fat smoothing thing of beauty!

I took a couple down and flipped the size card over to get my correct size.  In my past experience, these types of things tend to run big, and I was right on the edge so I got the size right below what it called for. That was my second mistake, the first was that I left the house at all.

The baby and I headed into the dressing room.  I took off my shirt and attempted to wiggle into the girdle.  When it did not slip on easily, I should have rethought the whole idea.  But nope, not me, I was determined to have my cinched waist and smooth back.  I took a deep breath, let it all out and slid it on. 

There it sat. Trapped between my armpits and my breasts.  Please recall that I was a nursing mother.  As in, I was regularly manufacting, what my baby thought, was manna from Heaven.  The pressure of the girdle on top of my chest was uncomfortable to say the least but I had just nursed baby, so no milk leakage.  PHEW!  I figured I had come this far so I gave it a good yank and got it on. Crooked.  I twisted and leaned and grunted a few times but I finally felt like I got it into proper place.   I knew before I even looked in the mirror that this was not going to be my magical answer.  Even so, I turned and looked in mirror.  BIG. MISTAKE.  The boning on the side was pushed out funny and the whole thing was crooked.  The places between the boning were bulging a bit, smoothly bulging though!

My waist looked unnaturally thin.  And all that looseness that was causing me so much grief?  It had to go somewhere.  It went above and below the girdle.  I found that no matter how much I twisted, stuffed, gathered, or sucked in, that this was not going to be right.  Just to make sure, I tried my tshirt on over it.  Nope.  It looked like there was commotion going on under my shirt.  So. Sad.  Oh well, who needs a girdle. I will just work out more, diet after I quit nursing, and then would not need one anyway.  I decided to take it off and just forget the whole idea.  I put my hands around the top and tugged it upwards.

It. would. not. come. off.  I was seriously trapped.  I will not repeat the words that went through my head at this moment. 

I felt a bit panicked.  I pulled and tugged and yanked for a few more minutes.  Then I called my best friend.  She just mostly laughed at me.  I think I recall her saying she would come and help if she could, but maybe she did not have a way there. 

I tried pulling it up, I tried pulling it down.  NOTHING worked.  It was not budging.  The only thing I managed to do was to get it somewhat twisted to where the side boning was going straight up the middle of my front side.  After all this commotion, the baby woke up from her lovely nap and started to fuss. I felt my milk let down. Oh crap.  I soaked the nursing pads right away.  The compressions that I was doing trying to get out of my body noose was not helping.  I had no other choice but to attempt to nurse the baby.  I sat down and nursed her.  It is amazing how you can marvel at the wonder of life even in the most dire of circumstances.  While I was nursing, I contemplated my options.  I could call another friend to come and help me.  I could call the waiting room attendant to bring scissors.  I could wear it out of the store and hoped to not be arrested.  None of these seemed like good options.

I did not want to explain to my husband why I had to spend $40 on a girdle that was cut into two pieces.  I also did not want to secure a criminal record.  I have to admit, I giggled a bit as I imagined the morning headlines.....

Anyway, after I nursed the baby, I was finally, FINALLY, able to jiggle the stupid thing off.  But, I did learn a lesson that day. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go with the recommended size first.