Is that my ........ OMG!!!! IT IS!

Yesterday, I was on the phone with a friend, and after I finished berating her for not telling me about B12 and it's wonderful energy giving effects, she mentioned, "Jessica, didn't we always feel better after we exercised?"
I was all like "Ummm what is this ex-er-cise you speak of? And what the heck does it have to do with B12 and energy?" 
She went on rather enthusiastically about how we used to exercise together and how that made us feel so much better and more healthy.... Then I was all like... "Shut and tell me about more pills!" haha
Anyway, she says, "Let's go walking tomorrow morning, at 7 AM."  I am stupidly up for most anything as long as it gets me kid free out of the house. So I told her to call me at 6:30 and wake me up.  I had been reveling in the bliss that late sleepers must feel and not getting up until 7:30 or 8 - LOL  (This was a true change from my 4 AM days!)

At 6:57 this morning, I was still in bed.  I was wondering why friend did not call.  Rotten friend got me all hyped up and I woke up early in anticipation of the phone ringing.  So I got up, got dressed in work out clothes and called her.  She was still in bed.  Said she was up but was just laying there.
Ok, rotten friend, that is not the park!  I said, "Get up. I am dressed and putting on my shoes. Hurry up and get yo act together!"  She said she would meet me by 7:15.
Cool.  I go to the park with a cup of coffee that I drink on the way.

I get there and park next to a vehicle that looks much like friend's vehicle, but I am not sure.  She isn't in it.  So, I am inconspicuously trying to peer into this vehicle to see if it has signs of being my friends.  I may have peed my pants if someone had said something to me.
After I decided that it was NOT friend's vehicle I started doing stretches.  I used to get horrible shin splints way back when asphalt and treadmills got to experience my feet pounding on them.  So, I learned to do really good calf stretches so I would be able to walk the next day.
Friend pulls up. 

After a minor discussion about what the heck do you do with your car keys, down the track we went.  She was practically running.  Now, this chick is short.  She *may* be five foot tall.  I am considerably taller than her.  So for her to get as far ahead of me as she did, I am convinced her feet did not touch the ground during her power walk.  She half ran/flew.  I was thinking, "I thought you said WALK!!!!" and ran to catch up with her. 

Much begging for her to slow down did absolutely no good.  She basically called me a pansy and then announced we were going to run from one light pole to the other.  REALLY!!!!!!!!  RUN!!!!!!!  She called it a "slow jog." I felt like putting on a pair of skates and hooking up to her... Wheeeee!
As she was 'slow jogging' and I was lumbering quickly after her, convinced I was going to die from oxygen depravation at any moment, the light pole mysteriously moved further and further away from its original location.

After the 'slow jog' I sounded like my fat dog breathing after the short walk to the door to outside.  I was all haaaagggghhhhh,  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, haaaaaaggggghhhh, uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, choke cough.
We walked to the other light pole and she announced we were going to run again.
WHY!????  Why did I call this rotten friend.  Why did I feel like making her hold up her invitation of torture? Why am I friends with her in the first place?  Who cares that she is one of the coolest people I currently know.  I could drop her, find more cool people.  Preferably fat, cool people who think that exercise it what you do when you walk to the refrigerator for more diet soda and ice cream.

As we were running, I kept feeling this weird thing going on behind me.  What is that?  It felt like something had snuck into my pants and was having a dance party.  I turned and look. 
"Is that my ...." Humiliation of all humiliation.  "OMG!!!!!  IT IS!!!  That is my BUTT!" 
It is, well, bouncing up and down, up and down.....I can feel it.  If I can feel it, I know others can see it.  GREAT! This is why I wear tight jeans.  To keep that joker under control.  Workout pants just give it free range to do what ever it wants and invites the whole world to notice.  I may have well set music to it and invited people over to the track for the show.

So now that I have been tortured, humiliated, and have probably overdosed on advil since arriving home, I am still in good spirits.  I refuse to be beat. 

And, if I can still walk, we are going to do it again tomorrow!

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2 comments:

Tori said...

hahah this seriously just made my day! I'm with you on the bouncing body parts thing. I'll run but it isn't gonna be pretty for anybody.

Boss Momma said...

This is so funny! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I will have to say you are really brave to show up again tomorrow. Wishing you and that friend of yours luck!

Blessings!

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